Janus, for whom January is named, looks both forward and back.
Mr. Fix-it and I were out and about checking out a wood stove from Craig's list, and for no reason that I could immediately understand, I just started to cry. I could snap out of it to talk to someone but then I would start again, and I kept it up off and on for the entire day. What was it about, for Pete's sake?
I know the obvious reasons ... Our "baby" has left home. The horse has gone away, and Mr. P. -- my mini-poodle, biggest fan and constant companion -- at age 15 has begun the great decline. The old folks moved in and we lost our privacy. The winter has settled in hard with below zero temperatures. And what the hell is happening to my skin?! And where is my jaw line?
Mr Fix-it, who is mostly invincible (except for a rare form of cancer), hurt his back worse than ever before. There is more to do than I want to do. Then there is that dental work. I was in a hole filled with crud, and I just kept piling it on.
My sister-in-law reminds me to take time to grieve. My usual m.o. is to get busy and to start putting new ideas together asap. Make a new plan, Stan. The fact is that I miss my grown up kids and their comings and goings; I miss my privacy, my old routines, and, truth be told, my more youthful looking self. It takes courage to accept, with grace, what aging is doing to my appearance.
Underneath my small crud pile, I am so damn lucky. Lucky to have
two healthy daughters and a wonderful husband. We still have our mothers and they are enjoying each other and a time of good health. Mr. P.is still at my side. I Love the life we carved out here in Western MA. It really is better than I ever imagined.
So...I will take time, in this month of looking both forward and back to hold the two things simultaneously -- and feel both thankful and sad.
